TITLE: The Watchers
GENRE: Fantasy
Seventeen year old Eli Jeffrey has just stolen the leader of the Underworld’s secret manifesto from hunters in the forbidden forest. Eli must now escape the forest with the manifesto in order to warn the other Watchers, Fallen Angels, of the impending invasion by the Underworld.
Keep moving. Almost there.
Eli was in familiar territory now, just a few feet from the edge of the forest. Bright light beckoned him towards the narrow slit along the tree line. As he stumbled along, thorny fruit bushes swatted at his pale skin, casting bloody scratch marks wherever they made contact. Below his waist, prickles invaded his trousers, causing pain that he could not contain. For the first time since the chase began, Eli allowed a toilsome yelp to escape his lips.
So close to safety now.
If the hunters didn’t catch him, it would be their own lives lost when they informed their employer of the interception. A death mob was chasing him. His heart was on the brink of exploding with each thunder of foot upon soil.
Fueled by his desire to complete his mission, Eli picked up the pace. Adrenaline coursed his veins like water from a broken dam, yet he sensed the hunter’s persistence inching closer. He felt their panting breaths as they moved in to make the kill.
A deafening silence exploded behind him, but he did not turn around.
Were they loading their arrows for one last shot?
Eli readied himself for impact. Expert marksmen never miss.
Wow, very cool! I especially like the last few lines. "A deafening silence exploded behind him" is a great line. These passages really convey a sense of panic and suspense. For me, the only tripping point was the line "If the hunters didn’t catch him, it would be their own lives lost when they informed their employer of the interception." I find the whole sentence a little cumbersome and I don't understand the interception part. Won't the hunters be in trouble if the don't intercept Eli?
ReplyDeleteGood stuff!
I love the fact that he's almost to safety in this scene. It gives it great tension that in a few more yards he'll escape!
ReplyDeleteAbout the fruit bushes: these must be some special kind of fruit that you've previously explained as having terrible stinging properties. Otherwise I don't think Eli would notice being scratched by bushes while his very life is at stake.
I think the sentence "a death mob was chasing him" slows us down when we should be speeding up. (Unless I just don't understand the term death mob). Otherwise, the tension builds really well.
I don't know about the "deafening silence exploding". Do silences explode? Also, his heart nearly exploded two paragraphs above, so there's a lot of exploding going on!
I love the last two lines. Come on Eli - you can make it!
I really like where this starts, particularly this description: "Bright light beckoned him towards the narrow slit along the tree line."
ReplyDeleteI think you should consider easing up on the thorns. It seems to me this would be the least of his worries if marksmen that never miss are pursuing him. This line was a bit much for me: "As he stumbled along, thorny fruit bushes swatted at his pale skin, casting bloody scratch marks wherever they made contact." I don't know that it matters if they are fruit bushes or not. Maybe just: "As he stumbled along, thorns scratched at his pale skin." And I would recommend removing this: "Below his waist, prickles invaded his trousers, causing pain that he could not contain. For the first time since the chase began, Eli allowed a toilsome yelp to escape his lips." For me it just slowed things down.
I also agree with the comment above that this line is awkward: "If the hunters didn’t catch him, it would be their own lives lost when they informed their employer of the interception." Perhaps just edit it down to: "If the hunters didn’t catch him, they would be the ones to die."
Nice work!
This is interesting, but the voice feels a little uneven. The opening paragraphs feel very down-to-earth, sort of "adventures aren't cool, they're just tiring and awkward and painful": 'he stumbled along'. But then the ending paragraphs have a more lyrical, heroic tone: 'adrenaline coursed his veins like water' Perhaps for this book as a whole things are more evened out, but for just this excerpt it left me a little off-balanced.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I also have to make a comment about the 'fruit bushes'. (?!) If it's something generic, maybe just call them 'brambles'. His noticing the pain of them doesn't bother me - sharp pain can be *very* attention grabbing (though adrenaline can damp that), however, 'toilsome yelp' is rather strange and awkward.
Nice action.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the fruit bushes. I also can't imagine what I toilsome yelp would sound like. Toilsome sounds exhausted whereas a yelp is a short, quick sound.
Agree about the deafening silence and personally, I think he would turn around or else keep running, not just stop and wait for death - but I don't know your character!
Good job.
I really liked your pacing here-- the internal thoughts and short sentences really keep the action going.
ReplyDeleteLike others, I was distracted by the long description of the fruit bushes and the toilsome yelp. I'd use two modifying adjectives sparingly (thorny fruit bushes, bloody scratch marks). I think it's fine to say he got scratched and yelped but you can probably condense the final three sentences of that paragraph to one.
I'd remove the "a death mob was chasing him" sentence--it pulls us away from action.
Loved the final three sentences--Yes!
Agreeing with the majority above here on the bushes. Seems a little unlikely that he'd be focusing long enough to know what sort of bushes. And, I think, the prickles could be removed from this piece.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how the the adrenaline would hinder him sensing the hunter. (I keep trying to read hunter's persistence as hunter's presense, espeically since it's inching closer.)
I don't think silence can explode either. Also, if he's running so hard that he's pumped full of adrenaline, than I'd imagine he'd be gasping. At the very least, the thud of heart would be quite loud to him.
Also agree with everyone's comments.
ReplyDeleteI, too, like the tension of safety being so close at hand!
I'd rewrite the sentences with *was* to be more active.
I liked that he sensed the hunters' persistence but doubt he could feel their breath. Maybe he could hear their grunts?
You definitely build tension by Eli not turning around but instead readying himself for impact.
Good job!
I like this! The short sentences/paragraphs kept the tension up. I think you left out the word "through" in the line "coursed his veins"? Agree with other commenters, could make one line more active by saying "death mob chased him". Enjoyed the excerpt!
ReplyDeleteI agree with there being too much exploding here. Also, Eli is unlikely to notice his skin is pale, unless it's turned that way unnaturally. And "hunter's" should be "hunters'" when there is more than one. But this is good action, feeling like we're on the brink of something.
ReplyDeleteThis is really very good. Quite a strong chase scene, actually - it gives a sense of setting while running much better than many I've read.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there is too much exploding.
One thing that bothered me was 'he sensed the hunter's persistence inching closer'. It doesn't make sense. The hunter's persistence isn't inching anywhere. The HUNTER is PERSISTENTLY inching closer, maybe.
Anyway, really, really good work.