Wednesday, January 25, 2012

January Secret Agent #20

TITLE: The Sky Throne
GENRE: YA Fantasy

The distance between darkness and light was a nano-moment, my mother once told me. A sliver of space. The breadth of a strand of hair. I hadn’t known what she’d meant until that day. And still wished I hadn’t.

I trudged up the darkened beach, digging my toes in the sand with each step. Visions of pearl-skinned sea nymphs still danced in my head. Their iridescent eyes and seductive charms made me smile.

“C’mon, Zeus,” Anytos called, throwing a stick at my feet.

I held a finger in the air.

"Zeus, seriously!" He clapped his hands once loudly.

"Wait. Hold on." I closed my eyes to enjoy the images of those sea nymphs. Just a bit of time more.

"Zeus!" His words sliced sideways through my memories of them. “Sun’s nearly up. We don’t have much time!” Tos stood at the top of a dune calling down.

I sighed. “I’m coming.”

I hated the pre-dawn runs we took every morning. The birds weren’t even up yet. I couldn’t wait to get back to the goats I tended with my mother. Against her wishes, I’d named each one. That’s why she never let me slaughter them for food. Or rather, why I never participated.

There was nothing too terribly stressful about goat herding. They were a self-sufficient lot. Sometimes watching them was like watching the sun crawl across the sky. In those moments, my mind wandered like a stray goat.

I’d always felt like I could do more. Something inside of me clawed for the extraordinary.

9 comments:

  1. Wow! I'd keep reading, even if I'm not a big fantasy fan. I want to know more about Zeus. At first I thought he was THE Zeus but the goat part told me otherwise.

    Great job with the description, the pacing, the action. What more can I say?

    Good luck!

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  2. I like this so far.

    I really enjoyed the description of goat herding!

    The only thing I'd suggest is to remove the "And still wish I hadn't" from the first paragraph.

    Good luck!

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  3. There's a sense of an idyllic, pre-industrial world here, even if the narrator seems to find it a little dull.

    But there are times when the language jolts into a modern world, one more like ours ("nano" and "stressful").

    Don't let the feeling of a different world fade! That's where the reader wants to be.

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  4. I LOVE this opening line. The descriptions that follow are good, too, though I second the suggestion to drop that last sentence in the first paragraph. I also think you can lose 'loudly' from the clapping description. I, too wondered if this was THE Zeus. Quite a distinctive name if it isn't, and I wonder if that will help or hinder the reader's perception of your character?
    Liked the goat herding descriptions, and I loved that last line. Leaves us knowing that something exraordinary is just around the corner.

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  5. I definitely want to know why this guy is named Zeus. Intrigued.

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  6. I like this. Good voice and nice description, but I agree with the others about ditching the last sentence of the first paragraph. It seems a little too "And now here's a flashback . . ."

    You've got me intrigued. I want to know more about this boy Zeus!

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  7. I really like your opening lines a lot. Just one comment: I recommend using either "A sliver of space." Or "The breadth of a strand of hair." Or else combine them into one ("A sliver of space no wider than a strand of hair" or some such). I'd keep reading to find out about that distance between dark and light.

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  8. The opening seemed very modern to me, and then the idea of a goat herder threw me because of the contrast.

    I was also wondering if he was the god Zeus, and was glad to find he wasn't.

    The goats and the names make me think this takes place in Greece, but I don't know really if it is, or what time period it is either.

    For me, this is just too vague. I want to know who they are and why they are there, as well as a hint of a problem or some conflict. Perhaps start closer to the inciting incident?

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  9. I had trouble following Zeus's thought process here...it seemed a bit scattered, meandering too much for the opening of a novel (even if it matches the wandering path of a stray goat!) And the obscure meaning of the opening paragraph doesn't help ground the reader, either...there are some memorable images and observations, but I'd focus on making it all feel a bit more linear...

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