TITLE: All's Fair
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Princess Fawn had to make a hard decision to save herself, her country, and Prince Erikmene--the son of the man responsible for the death of her greatest love. Erikmene fell for her, but she struggled to warm up to him, even as a friend. Circumstances forced them together here; they're alone, safe, and about to begin a quest to create peace between their countries.
Fawn had given up a lot to save him. Was there really harm in enjoying that decision, in feeling that it was right? Erikmene's situation was her situation. They were deep in this--and they were in it together.
His presence relaxed her, as it had on the night of King's Ball. She pressed her cheek against his neck, resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. She could feel his pulse through his hot, smooth skin, and his hands were warm and strong at her back.
She had made Dimitri so many promises--while he was alive, while she thought he was dead, while he was with her again--only to lose him in the end. Part of her was missing and she knew Dimitri would not return to fill it. Holding on would not bring him back, not this time. What did her vows mean, then?
Nothing.
Her senses sharpened with this realization. She had made her choice. She might never stop wondering about what could have been if she had saved Dimitri, but it was too late to change anything.
She opened her eyes and looked at Erikmene, really looked at him, not his name or his title or his country. There was a tingle in her gut, as if a butterfly had just hatched from its cocoon within her. She tentatively kissed him where his ear met his jawbone. He jumped, startled, but turned his head and took Fawn's face in his hands. Their lips met, and she did not push him away this time.
I picture her in purple. :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe "gut" is an awkward word? Guys talk about their "guts" while girls talk about their "bellies" in such a romantic setting...
Hmm, this is tricky, because I feel this is more telling than showing, but at the same time, I think the lack of context has a lot to do with it. As in, this is your character's internal monologue, and that's fine, you've actually got a smooth voice that flows well...but her internal debate is coming off as kind of someone with a check list of pros and cons going down item by item, if that makes sense? But I also think that I might feel differently if I were reading this as part of a full page rather than just a 250 word excerpt.
ReplyDeleteSo basically my advice is just to look at this on the page it comes from and think if there's any way you can make her internal struggle a little more interactive for the reader?
I thought the reveal worked. It's slow and quiet, but it suited the mood and pacing of the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your last paragraph. It was strong and evoked an emotional response. I got the warm fuzzies you get at a really satisfying ending.
The rest didn't do much for me. This is basically an entire page of her thinking and, for me, it was too much. Perhaps intersperse her thoughts with some movement/action. It doesn't have to be big--a squeeze, stroking her hair, etc. We get a bit from her in parg 2, but Erikmene may as well not even be there. He doesn't do anything until the end. Perhaps allow him to react when she snuggles closer. Perhaps he says a few words. It just needs something to break up all that thinking.
I agree with the comments above. I like the chemistry between the characters but I think there is a lot of telling rather than showing.
ReplyDeleteI agree that some action/sensation to break up the internal monologue a bit would be good. Otherwise, I just see the need for a few nit-picky deletions to tighten things up. Suggestions: 1. In the first paragraph, delete between decision - They. 2. delete "Her senses sharpened" sentence - or explain what this means. Does she smell something? taste? not sight obviously. 3. Delete the redundancy of "really looked at him" 4. Delete the tingle - you already do a good job with the metaphor "Her gut felt as if a butterfly..." 5. Is there some showing you could do rather than use "tentatively?" 6. No need to tell he was startled, you showed that with the jump.
ReplyDeleteI was awfully curious about this Dimitri fellow, and about the choice your MC had to make.
I agree with the others. It's a lot of thinking about something, all leading to the moment of realization that she is allowed to feel for him. But I really liked the last paragraph, and I didn't mind the word gut here, because it was the right place for a visceral sort of word. You definitely hit the right note in the last paragraph - nice work!
ReplyDeleteI LIKED this! It drew me into the scene, so I initially didn't have a suggestion. Then I read the preceding comments and saw their wisdom (as a means to make a good scene stronger).
ReplyDeleteThe first two paragraphs (and part of the third) feel like back story. I assume the readers already know about the King's Ball and their relative situations. I'm guessing you want to establish Fawn's conflicts and motives as she opens herself to Erikmene.
Rather than tell the reader Fawn's thoughts through third person introspection, a possible way to make her thoughts and motives feel more intimate might be use first person introspection to 'show' the conflict between her conscience (re Dmitri)and emerging feelings for Erikmene. Using this method sparingly (for an emotionally charged scene), you can present Fawn's thoughts as stemming from actions. For example:
She pressed her cheek against his neck, resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. (Note: the following in italics to denote introspection) Wait! What about Dmitri, my promises, our undying bond? (end of italics) Erikmene's pulse throbbed through his hot, smooth skin, his hands warm and strong at her back. (italics) God knows I loved him, but chaining my heart won't bring him back. (end of italics). She opened her eyes and looked at Erikmene, really looked at him, not his name or his title or his country.
(I used the preceding line to end the paragraph, so the paragraph would begin and end with similar actions, i.e., her closing her eyes and opening them., rather than an action and a thought.)
A tingle in her belly, a butterfly newly hatched where she never expected to feel love again, removed her doubts. She kissed Erikmene tentatively where his earlobe met his jawbone. Startled, he jumped but turned his head and took her face in his hands. Their lips met, and this time she did not push him away.
(I suggest replacing "Fawn's" with "her" when he takes her face and kisses her because saying he took "Fawn's" face sounds like a narrator describing the scene. Whereas the paragraph begins with the reader inside Fawn's tummy, feeling her butterfly. You might want to keep them there all the way through the kiss. Try both ways out loud to see how they feel.
I like this story--you'll turn me into a fan of YA Fantasy! Good luck! James :<)
Thank you so much, everybody! I knew something was missing, and you all nailed it. This was such a big help, and I really, really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI'm seeking a CP, so if anyone wants to see more and has something I can crit in return, get in touch!