TITLE: Lord of Wicked
GENRE: Regency Historical
This is scene is where our heroine Melissa is out riding and is being chased by a man she knows her husband dislikes but she has no idea why. She just instinctively knows this man and his men mean her harm.
Heart in her mouth, she swung the mare around the copse, forcing the men to wheel their horses before they could follow.
Melissa felt her heart rising into her throat; swallowing, she rode with hands and knees, urging the little mare to fly.
The mare was nimble and had a good turn of speed. It had been years since Melissa had ridden so fast, so recklessly, so desperately, but the thought of her baby spurred her on. She sensed the horses gaining on her; she didn’t risk a glance back. If she was unseated she not only risked capture, she might injure the baby she carried.
She couldn’t outrun them; already she felt her mare tiring. She would have to lose them.
One paddock over was Blackwood forest, dense woodland with trees large enough to hide her or at least give her mare a fighting chance.
She headed towards the woods, her closest cover, hoping she could outrun them. Her hands on the reins felt like ice. Capture was out of the question.
The gallant mare responded as she veered north and picked up the pace. She pushed the horse into a gallop; racing as if chased by the devil.
Her hands shook. He was the devil.
His men’s curses carried on the breeze.
Facing forward, her lungs tight, she urged the mare on. They were gaining on her, the ground shaking from their thunderous strides.
Sooner than she expected, a line of trees rose before her.
I definitely get a sense of danger here, but I almost thought it was too choppy, especially the bottom half.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I noticed a few inconsistencies/redundancies. Her heart's in her mouth in the first paragraph, but then it's rising into her throat at the beginning of the second. And I got it the first time that she has to avoid capture at all costs; we probably don't need to hear it again.
Overall, though, I liked this. And I love the title:)
I think the piece needs consolidation. Her heart goes into her throat twice in the first two sentences. The mare is going really fast but in the 7th paragraph Melissa pushes her into a gallop. What was it doing before? Plus, the mare was tiring in paragraph 4, when we heard she couldn't outrun the pursuers. 2 paragraphs later she hopes she can outrun them. The contradictions are throwing me off.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it needs consolidation and some parts are a bit choppy, but overall I get a good sense of urgency and I think you did very well with imagery.
ReplyDeleteLike the two above said, you need to cut out one of the "heart in the throught/mouth" lines. Another part that struck me as odd was where the narrator says she can't outrun them, and a few lines below, she hoped to outrun them. You could easily reword that second line to say that although she couldn't outrun them, she had hoped she could reach the cover of the dense forest before they caught up to her. If you do that, you can cut the first mention of it.
You've most likely mentioned before this scene that she is pregnant, but since we're going by a single scene alone, I would mention the baby is inside her, before she mentions the thought of her baby pushing her on.
Or you could omit "the thought of her baby spurred her on" all together.
I agree with the previous comments. Also, does the baby stir in reaction to the fear/anxiety she's feeling?
ReplyDeleteThere's a good sense of urgency and impending danger, but the sentences are almost a little too choppy for me. The sentences could be concise but flow a little bit better.
I did like this scene, though, and am curious about what happens next.
It's compelling, but I have to question this woman's sanity for being out alone and pregnant when her husband has some kind of unsettled business with a man of ill-repute. I hope it's for a good reason or you're going to lose my sympathy for her. She should be cursing her husband for not warning her about this man!
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