TITLE: The Seeker's Charm
GENRE: Fantasy/paranormal romance
Master Miller stood dumbstruck gaping at Farmer Thistleton.
The old farmer chuckled, “My wife behaved the same way, when she heard the news. Can you imagine that? Berthe...silent. It’s something I never thought I’d see. I tell you, that Woodman girl can do things she doesn’t even know she’s doing!”
He set his payment on the miller’s table. “And that’s why I best be getting back across the river. I can’t even imagine how it is for you, having them as neighbors. And your boy so lovestruck.”
Master Miller managed to shut his mouth in order to frown at the farmer’s retreating back. All right, so he had to believe the old badger, but he simply couldn’t believe his neighbor.
Oh, he knew why John Woodman had done it. The man had doted on his niece since the day of her disastrous birth. The entire Woodman family seemed to think, somehow, the little hellcat could make up for the loss of her sweet mother.
Master Miller’s scowl softened momentarily at the memory of Lillie Woodman. There was a lovely girl. Ah, but she was gone. Long gone. And they were all dealing with the consequences. A bow and arrow!
With any other girl, he’d worry she’d not know which end was up, and someone might get hurt. With Rose Woodman, he was absolutely sure she knew exactly what to do with a weapon.
I'm Hooked. What is the news passed on about the girl? It's intriguing and the way you make us wait and wonder about the news, but hear the man's thoughts on the girl. A good way to show us that there's two sides to the girl before we even know what the controversy is.
ReplyDeleteFirst read through I wasn't hooked but the second time I read through it I changed my mind. I'm very interested in Rose Woodman and Master Miller's son story and I think that's what hooked me. My ultimate hope is that the story becomes theirs.
ReplyDeleteJohn's comment made me re-read because on first read through, I wasn't hooked at all.
ReplyDeleteEven on re-reading though, I still have issues. I feel like Thistleton is talking about something that is new, but Miller seems to be thinking about something that happened a while back. I'm intrigued by Rose, but based on the beginning, I'm still not sure I'm interested enough to keep going.
I had to read it too many times to get the scene. I think it's because there are too many unknowns right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteI'm okay with not knowing what the Woodman girl did but all the other unknowns are too confusing.
I liked the character of Farmer Thistleton. I enjoyed his dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit too confused as to what's going on, though. Bow and arrow? Where did that come from? It sounded like the bow and arrow were the consequences of her leaving.
Did she run away from home with a bow and arrow? Shoot someone? I'm afraid I was too confused to want to read on.
First of all, your opening sentence needs a comma, or else it doesn't make any sense and ends up being one of those things that I'm mentally correcting in order to read it right. That interrupts the story, and I'm already on guard for more mistakes like that, and not really getting into the story itself.
ReplyDelete"Woodman girl" sounds like an oxymoron. It should be 'Woodman's girl' or 'woodland girl'.
Still seeing nothing but errors, and because of that, I'm not able to focus on the story. This needs work. Three paragraphs in, and I'm not hooked.
Who is 'the old badger'? I can barely finish reading what you've submitted, much less want to read any more of it.
Definitely not hooked. At all.
First of all, loved Farmer Thistleton's dialogue. Added a rich tone to your beginning.
ReplyDeleteHowever, a bit confused with what's going on right now. I don't want to go back through this so I'm not hooked. Just a bit too much going on right at the beginning without for sure knowledge of who your MC is.
Omi,
ReplyDeletethis is the author here- thanks for your critque. I obviously have some work to do, but I am confused about the error in the first sentence. Do you mean after dumbstruck? A comma is only used in a subordinate clause if it is introductory or it sets up a contrast/ extreme.
The oxymoron comment also confused me. Woodman is the girl's last name. That's why its capitalized.
The way I read it, I was hooked and not confused. I just thought that "A bow and arrow!" should be it's own paragraph (and maybe one of John's thoughts?).
ReplyDeleteJohn Woodman has given her a bow and arrow, right?
Am I wrong?
Good luck! I hope to read more one day. :)
Ah, I didn't realise that Woodman was her last name. I thought it was a description of her, which is why I said what I did. Now that I reread it knowing that, it makes infinitely more sense.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, a comma after dumbstruck. It would sound better (and this is nothing more than a personal opinion, I'm by no means an expert) as something like...
"Master Miller stood dumbstruck, gaping at Farmer Thistleton."
or
"Master Miller stood gaping at Farmer Thistleton, dumbstruck."
Ok... I'm a little distracted by the last names here. Thought I recognized a play on Snow White and Rose Red here, which is interesting, but not crazy about the info dumping conversation right here at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteThanks Omi. I appreciate the feedback. It sounds like I should work on my pacing. Too much too fast, I think, or else it wouldn't need so much rereading to understand. Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteAnd Samantha, yes. You guessed it. I had started to think setting bow and arrow off would help.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. The only thing I found confusing was the "Can you imagine? Berthe... silent." - at first, I thought this was the news. Like some sort of silence spell? Or maybe I'm a dummy.
ReplyDeleteI really want to know what damage the Woodman hellion raises with her weapon.
I'd chose one. The construction stood dumbstruck gaping doesn't work. Dumbstruck describes gaping, gaping describes stood- We don't need that much how.
ReplyDeleteAlso gaping and dumbstruck both imply surprise. Gaping and stood are both verbs. Try: Master Miller gaped at Farmer Thistleton.
"I tell you, that Woodman girl can do things she doesn’t even know she’s doing!"
I don't know what this means. Remember in school and you'd ask, "Can I go to the bathroom," and your teacher would reply, "I don't known can you." That's whats wrong with this sentence. It should read: I'll tell you, that Woodman girl does things and she doesn't have a clue what she's done. (Honestly though, this construction is cumbersome. Try to find a better and simpler way to say this. Personally, I'd just be more specific. )
"Master Miller managed to shut his mouth in order to frown at the farmer’s retreating back."
Similar issue to sentence one. We don't need to know ever detail. It's okay to leave a few things out. This sentence reads much better like this; Master Miller frowned at the farmer's retreating back." (Notice the use of retreating here. It's an ing verb.It's properly used to describe the word back. I only point this out because of your construction in sentence one. )
"All right, so he had to believe the old badger, but he simply couldn’t believe his neighbor."
I don't know what this means. Why does he have to believe the "old badger"
Notes: Structural errors occur throughout and interfere with the timing. Also, this is too vague for me. We're gaping about some news but this news is withheld from the reader. More hints are dropped, but its too vague for too long. I'm found myself getting mad toward the end. I wanted more story, and some details that asked questions, instead of the same question being repeated. Also I don't have a clue who the MC is.
Good luck!
Normally, I like a subtle scene with hints of what's happened, but this looks like it's passed from subtlety to obscurity. If you take some of the criticisms from the others, it would help, but I would just start over.
ReplyDeleteThe one sentence I think I like is the truncated "A bow and arrow!" Apparently, violence has been committed by or against Rose with it. If I'm wrong, I didn't get any of it. But keep trying.
Mark in the Seattle area
I found this interesting, which is not quite the same as hooked. I think if you set "A bow and arrow!" off in its own paragraph, that would help. You might consider making it the beginning of the next paragraph. Then we'll know that "which end was up" actually refers to the bow and arrow remark. Otherwise, you might want to make it a little less cryptic as "which end was up" is so colloqial it can pertain to anything. Loved your closing sentence.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine either of these characters as the hero of the romance. You'd do better to start the novel with either the hero or heroine as the viewpoint character if at all possible.
ReplyDeleteA character can't chuckle dialogue. Put a period after chuckle in the second paragraph.
There's a syndicated series called LEGEND OF THE SEEKER based on a famous fantasy series. You should probably change your terminology.
I thought this was interesting, but I'm not hooked, only because I feel certain that the pov character is either going to be Rose Woodman or the miller's son, not the miller or the farmer. And if I'm right, why not start with them? Actually, even if I'm wrong, why not start with your MC? If your MC is farmer Thistleton, then ignore all this. But if I'm right, you're making me invest time in a character who may not matter after this chapter.
ReplyDeleteSince it's a paranormal romance, I'm going to guess the bow and arrow works like cupid's bow and arrow?
Maybe consider an opening that includes your MC. It might just make the difference.
Thanks for all the comments!
ReplyDeleteI was aiming for an opening similar to Dunnett's Lymond series in which a lot of people discuss the MC prejudicially before we get to meet him.
Its one of my all time favorite books, but not everyone likes Dunnett. And of course, she was a master, while I'm a novice. Sounds like I have a lot work to do. Thanks for the insights.
I'm afraid I had to work too hard on this one because of all the names and information. Why aren't we seeing what this girl can do instead of being told about it? While rumor in stories can be effective in setting up a mystery, I'm not sure it works here. Along with too many names, there's too much info. A budding romance, a girl with powers, a dead mother, a kindly family, worried townsfolk (at least in the form of Master Miller). I think this story would be better served if you took a bit more time to set these things up.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked.
I'm not hooked by this one either.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have a fairly generic fantasy setting, with the hook of a girl using a bow and arrow. And while that isn't the most exciting hook, you could make something out of it, if we were perhaps seeing Rose use it. But instead, the reader just gets conversation and backstory, which stops the novel dead in its tracks.